Today's song: "I Bruise Easily" - Natasha Bedingfield

I'd like to say that things have been going well lately, but my body has not been cooperating. I've had the worst bout of insomnia that I've had in awhile--couldn't get myself to fall asleep until 2:00-3:00 in the morning some nights. Messed with my head something awful, it had my hours totally backwards. I've worked really hard to "reset" myself and stay awake the 48 hours to go to bed at a more proper time...but god, it was so painful.

I get into these depressive, vegetative states when I get like this...which I suppose isn't all that strange, cuz who doesn't feel awful when they're exhausted? But, without fail, it's my mom's trigger to say something nasty. She says I'm "hard to be around" when I get like this--I know I'm not much of a conversationalist when I feel like a corpse, but like...damn, way to kick me when I'm down, you know?

Anyways, I'm finally feeling better, now! I feel like I've wasted a whole week away with my moody nonsense, ugh. M and I can't do our walking this week cuz the highschool is closed for spring break. Ngl, I've felt rather aimless...But I've done a lot of laundry, and some cleaning. Went through my hat collection, and put together another bag of stuff to take to a donation center. For awhile there, I was writing a lot of fanfiction--I almost finished a oneshot, but it seems the muse of inspiration has left me, I can't manage to write anything decent now...Still, for me, it was a pretty impressive bout of productivity, lol. Hopefully it's something I can return to and finish up someday.

The days are ticking away until my mom and grampy leave for their trip. I've officially told my friends that I'm having that house party, so I guess I'm committing to that idea, lol. I'm putting together a playlist of nostalgic music from that ~y2k~ era! It's actually kind of tricky--I try to think back to the music I liked as a little kid, but...10 year olds don't have the most expansive music taste, ya know? All I listened to was Kelly Clarkson and Hillary Duff, LOL. So I've ended up doing some research...This Youtube Channel has been really helpful--I've been falling into these deep-dives on one-hit-wonder girl groups, lol. The late 90s/early aughts definitely had a very distinct sound.

M says she's excited for my party! She's supplying some old board games for us to play. I'm bringing some vhs tapes that (I think) we'll be able to play on my grand-dad's TV. These are all silly things, but I hope the rest of my friends will be able to enjoy it too. Hosting any sort of gathering is so much work...but I think this could be healing for my inner child~*~*?

But there's a biting anxiety under the surface. Mom has reminded me that she intends to start the mediation process and start pushing forward on the divorce from my dad when she gets back from her trip. I have no idea what sort of chaos that will bring--or what I can even do to prepare myself, honestly. All I can think of is just...getting more of my stuff into boxes. Try to make the oncoming move less overwhelming if I can help it. But it's scary. And the harder I think about it, the more useless I feel...

...I guess you could interpret my latest behavior as some form of regression. Writing fanfiction and dancing to goofy ass old music alone in my room while buzzed probably isn't the best coping mechanism. But I suppose it's not the worst, either?

Today's song: "Let Go" - Frou Frou

Happy Valentine's Day, Neocities frens!!! I am slipping a glittery Hello Kitty valentine card into your school desk as we speak.

(On a side note, I find it so funny how angry and angsty I would get about this goofy holiday as a teenager. Like, these icons I'm using make me laugh so much.)

Trying to think about what has been going on lately, but I'm drawing a blank. My memory has been extra shite this week...but I can't really figure out why? I've actually been fairly busy, it's not like I'm lazing around doing nothing. M getting me out of the house twice a week for walking helps a lot. I had a successful doctor's appointment last week, and I got my flu shot.

Maybe it's just cuz my mind has been going a-mile-a-minute. A lot to think about, these days. My mom is taking my grandfather on a trip in March--which is incredibly risky, because of his frail health, but it's technically business-related, mom feels obligated to help him do it. I'd like to be happy for them (finally getting to travel and all), but with covid still looming over us, it feels like a bad idea. But Grampy is stubborn, and there's nothing I can really say to them to convince them that they shouldn't go...My head is spinning trying to figure out how I'm going to care for the animals of both houses and my brother at the same time. They're bribing me with the promise of being able to stay in Grampy's empty house while they're gone.

Some of my friends are talking about hosting a party sometime soon...M and I have been talking about it, and we think it would be a good compromise if I hosted something at my grand-dad's place while I'm house-sitting. Neither of us want to drive almost two hours to go to D's place, but it would be nice to see everyone, sooOOOooo...Idk, if the fates are kind, I think it could work out really well? But I'm making plans that I'm unsure if I can actually pull off--I'd have to somehow tackle cleaning Grampy's hoard before inviting people over. If it works out, I want to have a y2k-themed party~

I took a week off from streaming to finish some more artwork. I finally created an ~official~ logo for myself! Now onto figuring out how to make a proper overlay...Tbh, I find a lot of Twitch overlays kinda extra--I've never really noticed them when I used to watch streamers, but having flashy overlays is really popular for vtubers, it seems...I'll do my best to try to figure it out, lol. It does seem really important for older games that have a lower resolution!!! I'd like to design something to fill up the empty space when playing games in smaller windows.

And on that note...I finally figured out how to get some emulators working!!! I wish someone told me how much easier it was emulate console games rather than PC ones...I've downloaded Playstation games and some Nintendo DS stuff. I'm sooo excited about this! This opens up so many opportunities to old games I never had the chance to play as a kid. (Mainly horror titles that would get ripped out of my hands by my parents when I'd try to rent them at BlockBuster as a kid, LOL) Now if I could just figure out how the fUCK to run a virtual machine properly for old PC games, I'd be unstoppable.

Overall, I'd say life haas actually been pretty good. I've been unusually cheerful lately--just in a silly goofy mood, lol. I'm gonna spend the afternoon playing DbD and writing fanfiction about my latest 2D muse~~~

Today's song: "Just Dance" but it's nightcore

Happy February~! Don't know about you all, but I feel like this January lasted an eternity. Not for any bad reason, though--in fact, I think it's kind of a good thing. It means that nothing intensely traumatic happened that month, haha. I think I'd rather have time crawl past me rather than disappear before I can blink.

Anyway, sorry for the radio silence on here, especially this past week--I've been caught up in some other projects. I've worked really hard on my latest entry for the Yesterweb zine!! This entry took a lot of research, it was a topic I really had to dig to find proper information on. I'll post on my Neocities profile when the issue goes live!

So...what else have I been up to...? Well, life finds ways to keep me busy, lol. We got blasted with a huge blizzard. The snowbanks come up to just above my knees, they're almost 2 feet tall...!! I'd be sent out to shovel, but then the snow would just pile back up by an hour later. My chickens were miserable. When it gets below freezing like that, someone has to bring fresh water out to the coop every few hours, because even their heated water dishes freeze in such low temperatures.

TW: Talk of Weight/Weight changes

I've been (slowly) cleaning my closet out since last month. It's something I've put off for years--I have a lot of clothes, and my closet is a very sentimental thing for me. I used to be a fashion design student, after all...It's embarrassing, but my clothes used to be my whole identity. So there's a lot of handmade items, or things I thrifted and altered heavily. And I've tried a lot of things on, and...most of it doesn't fit me anymore!!! My body has changed so much. I've definitely gained some weight during the pandemic...It's probably a bit stupid of me to have hoped I could still squeeze into the clothes I wore back when I was 15, but...I did, for some reason. LOL.

In the end, I've ended up with 4 whole bags to bring to a donation center. I'm even parting with the few designer pieces I thought might be worth a buck on Ebay, I can't be assed to deal with it. It still hurts, though--It feels like I've lost a part of myself. But admitting that feels even more foolish. I'll try to look at this as an opportunity to build a new wardrobe, something more appropriate for adult-me.

M is on board with my quest to lose a few pounds, and we've been walking twice a week at the highschool. It's been nice to have someone to talk to in the evenings. We both look forward to it a lot! Being trapped inside from the snow means mom has been baking a lot, though...Don't know if our walks help with all the cookies I've been eating, but we walk about 4-5 miles each night!

The bad weather has made it hard to stream. And I've been learning a lot about myself as I attempt to go live once a week--streaming is actually really hard! I run out of things to talk about pretty fast. I'm not really all that good at cracking jokes, and I stutter a lot. My limit usually caps out at around 2 the time I hit the "end stream" button, I feel like I'm gonna pass out, lol. From anxiety, probably. But I've only just started, really...I've only been trying to do this semi-regularly for like, maybe a month? I'm trying not too get too discouraged. I'm really lucky to have a few friends who try to watch me, even if I fumble half of the time.