6 / 27 / 2020 -

Man, it really feels like the internet is imploding. It's doing my head in.

**tw mentions of sexual harrassment / bullying / abuse**
I've been avoiding talking about drama on here all week, lol. In the beginning, it just felt like a load of gossip to me--like it was something that I didn't want to taint my diary with. But some of the folks getting "cancelled" rn I used to be fans of, so the news has hit me pretty hard...Most namely one specific videogame streamer (I refuse to name him specifically, I'm too embarrassed) being outed as a sex pest/all-around creep. Can't say I didn't see it coming--thankfully I jumped the ship and haven't been apart of his fandom/watched any of his content for years now, but man...

To think that the entertainment I found solace in when I was dealing my own sex pests and manipulation in-real-life, was just a reflection of the same damn thing...it's chilling. I truly hope everyone that he's hurt is able to get justice and find a sense of peace.

One night, I found myself sobbing: all of the bad memories from my days at art school came flooding back to me out of nowhere. Sexual harrassment from gross old professors, cigarette butts being thrown at me as I walked to class, the constant icy glares I would get everytime I walked into a room...The more time passes, the less all of the harrassment makes any sense...I can't really understand where all the anger came from? I'm not a saint or anything: I'm clumsy and a ditz, and sometimes I'm not very good at small talk, so maybe I come off as cold...But to be violent to someone just because you think they look funny or some other trivial reason is just...monstrous....

I thought I was doing better, I really did. I haven't had one of these uncontrollable outburts in awhile...(gonna need me a shirt that says "I went to art school and all I got was PSTD and crippling self doubt")

I want to wear a fancy outfit...It's been so long since I've had a change to wear my nicer clothes! I watched one of Misako Aoki's hairstyle tutorials and I really want to put my hair in braided milkmaid-style loops~ E was planning to throw a backyard picnic this weekend, but the rain has been unpredictable, so we decided against it...It's a bummer. I was really looking forward to seeing everyone, and I wanted to use my Angelic Pretty parasol I dug out of storage...

On a music-related side note: I'm still sifting through all of my old CDs and re-uploading them onto my ipod. Been listening to lots of Angelspit--some of their music is hit-or-miss, but man, their oldest stuff is so good! Honestly, I just listened to them back then for goffick edgelord points, and their clothes were cool...but as an adult, I'm finally starting to grasp what their lyrics mean. This song I loved when I was 15 suddenly has a whole new meaning 10 years later, now that I know what all these words mean...And it's even better now!! (and incredibly relevant)

6 / 22 / 2020 -

My site recently passed over 200 followers~! That's absolutely crazy to me, whoa~!! Whenever I pass a milestone on here, I always get a little self-conscious that I can't seem to pull off something ~*festive*~ in celebration. I don't really have any skills or services to offer people as a 'thank you' for visiting me...I'm just kinda out here vibing, lol. But it never fails to move me that people seem to care about what I have to say, at all!

Coming here to Neocities is a treat--especially now as I've become stricter with limiting my interactions with social media, my site has become my main haunt: a safe haven away from the botnet...When I see people here creating stuff their passionate about for fun, and just genuinely being excited about the web, it always heals my heart.

I'd like to keep this my special little corner of the internet for as long as I can. I can't promise that I'll always be the best at updating consistently, or that I'll always be interesting to read...but I hope this tiny piece of my soul brings whatever cyber-traveler stumbles across it some joy and curiousity.

**tw mention of animal death**
I keep having re-occuring dreams of saving baby animals from drowning. Like, tiny kittens that don't even have their eyes open yet and naked little baby birds. I'm jumping in muddy rivers and reaching my hand into swampy holes to pull out their squirming bodies, panicking "Am I too late? Have they already drowned?" Last night, in my dream, I saved a baby bird and returned it back to its parents' nest. Think it was triggered by seeing the robin family nesting out in a bush in the backyard get attacked by a hawk the other day. Mom said she checked their nest later and it was empty, with only feathers left inside...Nature is cruel...

I also had that dream about a lost computer game about dragons, again. It's becoming so vivid, that I've woken up a few times now thinking the game is actually real, lol. Everytime I dream about it, a new bit of lore or a new scene happens that adds to the "plot". The details are kind of fuzzy, but it's about a knight going on a quest, and meeting many different kinds of dragons in his travels. Some friendly, some mean...The graphics start off as hideous, blocky CGI and then suddenly shift to hyper-realism. One of the last times I dreamed about this, I was in the game feeding a dragon peanut butter sandwiches... :p

Like an absolute dingus, I sat on my expensive wireless headphones by accident. I don't really have much of an excuse other than it was dark in my room, so I didn't see them on my comptuer chair (???) I don't really know when or why I put them there to begin with... They still work, though! So that's something to be grateful for!

My friend E's birthday is tomorrow. I still have to draw her card and put the finishing touches on her gift. I've been procrastinating on it...At least I can send her virtual gifts through Animal Crossing, for now?

6 / 18 / 2020 -

I've been tweaking the format of my survey page and re-reading my old answers from two years ago. It's funny: just reading my simple answers takes me back to the day I was writing them. It's the same for my old drawings, too--no matter what the content is, it's like a record of whatever I was doing in the moment of creating them. It's like it flicks a lightswitch on in my brain that makes my memory super clear.

Anyways, it dawned on me that during one of my earliest surveys, my grandmother was still alive. I had started writing my answers right after eating lunch with my grandparents. The grief still hurts, sometimes...so much can change in just a few years. Hell, everything can change in just a few months...the shenanigans of this year taught me that.

The past few days have been fairly productive. Yesterday was spent at my grandfather's house cleaning, and re-arranging the basement. It had flooded awhile back--it was his old recording studio that he rented out back in the 80s/90s, and was where he stored all his music gear for his band. The flood was really devastating: thankfully most of the expensive equipment like his amps were covered by insurance, but so much old hand-written sheet music he had collected over the years was damanged. Honestly, I don't want to talk badly about him, but the whole incident brought to light his hoarder tendencies... He won't throw away a single thing!

My family and I have done our best to get him under control--we cleaned it out the best we could and replaced the floor, so now it looks all new and shiny. We're just trying to get him more organized now. Mom and I went through sooo many old records and cassette tapes! Honestly, it was pretty cool--records albums are nice to look at because the artwork is so big~!

Goose update! ft. mom. The babies' adult feathers are growing in!
volume warning! for when she pours birdseed off-screen.

Going through old things can be exciting, but very tiring. There's a sort of aura on every well-used item--I think that's why I find antique and thrift shops so stimulating. Not in a bad way, or anything! Just that you get the sense of the owner who had the thing before you got to it. You get to thinking "Who was it that held you last? What was their life like?" My grandparents house always felt so magical growing up, because...well, they're magical people! I think it's truly a blessing that I've been able to be so close with them. Looking through my grandfather's things reminds me of what an exciting life he had as a musician!

Today I deep cleaned my room. Hoping to finally take more photos of my Mcgee's Alice collection soon! My friend's birthday is around the corner, and I want to draw her a card. I've done pretty well with working on my writing projects--I have an alarm in my phone that goes off every evening that says "Have I written a sentence today?" Usually I ignore it, but I'm trying to get back into the swing of writing daily again.

I had a lewd dream about a celebrity I had a crush on in my late-teens/early-twenties last night. I'm still flustered over it, gosh...I thought I was over him, LOL....

6 / 14 / 2020 -

I accidently formatted my ipod and erased all the music that was on it... The old laptop that had my music archive on it started acting up (it kept freezing on a black screen on start-up...) so I thought I could figure out how to move it to my current laptop. I vaguely remember having this exact problem at some point as a teenager...?! Can't believe I was dumb enough to do it again, lol. .__. After all of these years, I just figured out how to turn Itunes-format files into mp3 files when burning CDs--so now I have to go through my CD collection and re-upload each one onto my ipod again...At least this time, I'll actually be able to make a proper back-up of my music collection that can easily be moved/uploaded elsewhere. (And yes, I realize that I'm a psycho that still uses an actual ipod and not just their phone. And yes, I still buy CDs...)

Still, it's kind of nostalgic poking around the old Itunes program. I remember being 11-12 or so and just pining over the idea of owning my very own ipod. I loved those "i-*insert name here*" memes that were going around, spoofing the adverts that were everywhere at the time. I'd draw anime characters sharing earbuds and just think it was 'tHE COOLeST THiNG EVaR!!1'...All my friends owned ipods before me, and I used to secretly get so jealous, ha. I'd go over their houses and they'd show off their meticulously-curated music libraries--they'd proudly be like "Look, it says I listened to Caramelldansen 100 TIMES!" Lmfao~

I did get my own ipod eventually--by the time I did, I think I was late to the game, though. I spent a lot of time with my very beloved bedazzled Hello Kitty walkman, wandering the woods and the abandoned lot next to my childhood home. I can still remember exact little moments: running out into the overgrown fields in the summer, blasting Fall Out Boy and other shitty emo music into my eardrums, laying among dandelions and being excited to grow up. Idk man...I'm listening to old Fall Out Boy B-sides and it's giving me so many feelings...!

Sometimes, going through old things can be nice. I'm inspired to actually put together nice-looking playlists, and not just random mp3s ripped straight from Youtube, ha. I'm gonna get super organized~!!

As for what else has been going on: I feel like my health is finally on the mend, and my brain is working better these days. Finally had a Zoom chat with my friends after ~2ish weeks of not talking to anybody. My mom's on my ass about going back to school in the fall because one of our family friends is planning to: I'm not totally against the idea, I just think corona-chan is going to come back and ruin most education plans when the fall comes around...It feels like an uphill battle, but maybe I'll look for some online adult education classes to take in the meantime. Just added rosemary to my herb garden--I really gotta stop getting more plants, because soon I'll be drowning, hahaha~

Oh!! And the Yume Nikki sweater that I impulsively ordered a few weeks ago came in!! It's super soft, and fits just perfectly~ I can't wait to wear it as soon as the weather gets cooler~!

6 / 11 / 2020 -

There's a bunch of thunderstorms about to blow through this week. The sky has been so dark. It's scary...I hate thunderstorms, lol. But we really could use the rain--the pine pollen here is so heavy! When you step outside, everything has a sheet of yellow pollen on it (gross...)

When the sun was out, I was forced to do a lot of yard work. I shouldn't whine--typically I like working outside, but it's been hot!! Far too hot to make working in the garden enjoyable. Still, mom and I got some important work done--we finished weeding the rest of the land to use for our vegetable garden, and planted our last few veggies. I'm super excited about our little strawberry plants~! I moved the beginnings of my herb garden into pots by the back porch. They look much nicer than before, when they were scattered all over the yard, lol. Now they're all in one place~ Spent an afternoon mowing the lawn--I found a really fat toad, it was cute... ;w;

Unfortunately, I can't say that much else has been going on. My mood swings have been so rapid--concentrating on anything has been difficult. I truly hate that my stupid hormones make something like PMS this life-ending event: I'm losing my mind at the slightest thing. Even Animal Crossing is making me depressed--Animal Crossing, of all things...!!! Jfc... When I haven't been in emotional distress, I've been sleeping...It's kind of embarrassing the number of naps I've been taking (and I'm not a nap person?!) but I just find myself collapsing. In the beginning of the week, I kept almost fainting...The extreme high-low of my mood and energy levels is insufferable. I'm really trying to be patient: telling myself that the worst of it will pass, and I'll start to feel better soon...but it doesn't help when my parents think I'm just being lazy and becoming a sloth...

There's been a lot of talk about the future: businesses are opening back up, there's "help wanted" signs around...Now that I don't have the excuse of the quarantine anymore (at least for now...) I really need to start making some money again. Or at least get back to work on my personal projects regularly. I had made some progress on new blog posts for [REDACTED] (it's still in the works, can't talk specifics just yet) but I started procrastating...

I feel like I need someone to sit down, look at my life, and tell me where I need to focus--there's all these different paths in front of me and I just can't make a decision on the best option. At one point, late in the night, I was looking up the prices of booking a session with a Youtube psychic. LOL.

When this brain fog finally lifts, I'll try to assert myself better. I can't make my dreams happen if I don't take a step foward.

6 / 6 / 2020 -

I'm starting a journal to keep track of pieces of media I want to consume eventually. So many times I'll read a post talking about a book, or see a still from a movie, or some interesting random factoid, and I'll try to save it to reference later...but I never seem to actually get the time to look into it later. This is probably completely normal--I mean, who really has the time to watch every single movie, play every game, etc...But as I start trying to clean out my Twitter likes to eventually leave that horrid app (currently at ~13k), I've noticed that there's a lot of posts I've saved/liked was just because the content looked interesting, and I wanted to learn more about it. It's satisfying to physically write something on paper. I've already looked up a movie I wrote down that seems really interesting ("Possum")--I'm excited about it~!

I remember one of my New Year's resolutions a year or two back was to just "find inspiration". During my time in college, I was completely, mind-numbingly depressed: I became disillusioned with what I thought my life goal was (to go to art school and become a fashion designer) and it just felt like I suddenly couldn't find excitement in anything anymore. Back then, I blamed it on burn-out: but now I'm starting to wonder if there's actually a link between what I was going through and my relationship with social media. I didn't notice back then, but maybe my addiction to endless scrolling on the internet was actually making my mental state worse, rather than better. As I force myself to interact with mainstream social media platforms less, I'm suddenly graced with a lot more free time to just think...something I definitely did not have the courage to do while I hated myself, and my world was crashing around me.

But now, as things are suddenly more quiet, I feel inspired. Like I wanna make things again! Idk why. I just think it's nice. A shame that it's taken me years to start feeling something like my old self again, but...mental illness will do that to you I guess.

Geese vision! Their hungry rage only quelled by old chicken scratch!

My past few days have been low-key. My wacky hormone disorder has been making me feel sick, so I've spent a lot of the time resting. Been trying to organize my harddrive with all of the stuff I've saved from my old Twitter likes. I've only left the house to visit my grandfather. Regulations are starting to lighten up, where I live: you see kids playing and riding around on their bikes now. It's sweet. Though I'm a bit sad, most of my friends are back at work this week...I don't really have the courage to meet up with them yet, even if we ~*social distance*~...I'm too close with my grandfather to risk it. But I miss them. We're planning a video chat on Zoom tomorrow, at least!

But for now, my world is quiet. And I don't think that's such a bad thing.

6 / 3 / 2020 -

Happy June~*~*!

Erm, well, "happy" doesn't seem like the correct word to use...Everywhere you look, there seems to be so much pain and destruction...It's hard to be hopeful for the future when humans are so incredibly unkind to each other. If you're in America (or even not in America, and want to be involved!), I found these resources to be the most helpful in the light of what's going on: Ways to help BLM and this list of bail funds looking for donations in the US.

I'm going to continue writing my little journal: I know my boring life is meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but if I my website can offer a tiny fraction of joy or distraction in these sorts of times, well...I think that'd be the greatest thing! It would be the highest honor! Anything to offer a light of hope away from the social media giants that are literal propaganda machines pitting us against each other... (and people starting fights over friggen hashtags, of all things...)

Anyway, this past Monday was my mom's 60th birthday~*! A big milestone! She really liked her gift: the ceramic egg dish I got from Etsy (which we immediately filled with our home-laid chicken eggs) and the card I painted her. I'm so glad, haha~ But I'm a dingus and forgot to take a photo of the card... (Maybe later...?)

Because of the state of the pandemic, her celebration options were limitied, so we decided that we would take a day trip and drive to the ocean. The weather ended up being so nice! My aunt and mom dragged me to so many garden centers--it was fun at first, but after the first hour it started to drag on...It was a little scary being out in public--even though most everyone I saw was wearing a mask, it was fairly crowded. Everyone wanted to enjoy the nice breeze, I guess...?

I love to touch the leaves of a Lamb's Ear plant~ Very soft, 10/10 would pet again~

Complaining aside, we bought some really nice things for the garden! I finally talked my mom into trying to plant a berry bush, and I got a little patchouli plant to add to my tiny herb garden. I'm so stoked because I absolutely love patchouli incense~~ I didn't know it could even grow in this area, so if it does well I'll be drying and storing a lot of it!

After hours of plant shopping, we got take-out seafood and ate lunch at the beach. It was a bit too cold to stay outside too much, but we had a short walk and saw lots of pretty painted rocks! There was even a little shrine with angel statues by the jetty. (Maybe for Memorial Day...? It had a flag stuck in it) I snuck a couple of fries and fried shrimp to a seagull~ It was so cute~

It was a really lovely day, but everything started going to hell when we returned to my aunt's house in the evening. **tw alcohol** My aunt and my mom got to drinking--which normally isn't a problem, but they started getting kinda rowdy. My aunt really wanted to ~*PaRtY*~...I left to hang out with my cousin--which was very nice, she took me out to their garden and showed me a bunny nest and taught me about edible weeds!--but when we came back to them after an hour or so, they were totally sloshed. Like...mom couldn't walk straight. I've never seen her that drunk in my life. I think my aunt realized what she had done, and just kinda threw her in my car...

It was dark by that point, and the ride home is long--I had already promised mom I'd drive home, but I always get a little disoriented on those tiny unfamiliar streets. Mom was babbling like crazy, and I got kinda lost, but we managed to make it to the highway back home safely...until like 10 minutes later mom started spewing red wine everywhere. I honestly thought it was blood for a second when I first saw it. Better out than in, though, right?? But I had to pull over twice to let her vomit on the side of the road. A lot of it ended up on herself...I had a few napkins tucked away in my glovebox, but when I'd try to clean her up she'd just cry "I'm 60 years old! I'm too old! I'm sorry, I'm a bad mom!!" I had to drive home so slow as to try not to upset her stomach again. So...needless to say, it was a very long ride.

Anyway, she's recovered all right, thankfully. The hangover was nasty, and she's mortified that she got that drunk in the first place. I blame my aunt--she egged her on and kept pressuring her to drink more because "it's a big birthday!!" But I told my mom that at least she got to be wild one last time--she had a chance to relive her crazy youth! LOL~

Overall, I did have a nice time seeing the ocean, and my cousins. That drive home may have been stressful, but everything worked out in the end. I needed a day to recover from all that emotional stress, though, ha. Congrats to whoever reads this entire entry!! This is definitely my longest entry yet, but only because it's the most eventful thing that's happened to me in awhile. Next entry will be much more mundane, I'm sure!