7 / 28 / 2020 -

Thank you so much to everyone who left me birthday messages on my Neocities profile~ You all are so thoughtful!

I wanted to squeeze one last entry in before the month was over. I feel kinda funny about not writing as much as I have in the past...But I have to remember that I mainly started writing regularly because of the coronavirus lockdowns--somehow, it felt a lot easier to write when everyone was yelling to stay at home, lol. (I should add that I don't disagree with the quarantines, and you should probably be safe and self-isolate still, wherever you live: because the virus is still out there!) My little diary was my outlet during the height of the chaos, and now that the numbers have slowed down where I live, well...my life just hasn't been that interesting to report on.

The most eventful thing that's happened since my last entry is our washing machine breaking down. Thankfully my grandfather lives close by, so we've been spending afternoons visiting him while doing a load of laundry every other day. We're getting a new machine delivered next Monday. I'd like to think I can hold out til then: it feels far away, but I washed my pajamas and socks at my grandfather's place, sooOOOoo~ I just have to worry about clothing myself during the day. Which seems easy enough...I figure this incident will be what gets me to finally hem and alter that stack of thrift shop dresses I have packed away in my closet~ :p (The rest of my family is freaking out, especially my dad. It's like, "Whut? You really only own one pair of shorts...?!" LOL)

Not much else has been happening. I'm still sucked into videogames at the moment. Getting back ino Animal Crossing for the first time in ages--my poor, desolate island has truly withered away into a weed-filled hoarders' den, LOL. I've decided that to get it under control, I'm going to need to fill in my rivers and move all of the buildings: I'm going to completely overhaul my layout! Honestly, I'd probably just do a complete reset and start over, if I didn't absolutely love all of my villagers... ;w;

And I'm still playing a lot of Dead by Daylight. I've been playing multiplayer with M (she got herself a copy too), and teaching her how to play. I think she's enjoying it--she says it's fun, but a little scary. First time we played together she told me, "Okay, give me a second, my hands are shaking and I need a drink" LOL!! TT___TT I've tried my hand at playing the killer a few times, but I'm absolutely awful at it. I've only managed to take a few swings before all of my victims escape! In one particularly bad match, the rest of the players figured out I was a total noob, and basically danced in circles around me. What can I say...? I'm not very fearsome....

I just got the news that the local animal shelter is having their summer yard sale this weekend. My family usually donates a ton of stuff for them to sell the day before. We thought for sure that it wouldn't be happening, because of the pandemic and all, but I guess they found the time to squeeze in one yard sale. I'm glad! The next two days I'll be filling up boxes of old stuff that I already had started in my storage closet. Just getting a couple of boxes of junk out of there will be a huge relief! I can't wait to finally be able to properly walk inside of it again...

I sent off my application and transcripts to that community college yesterday. It turned out to be a bit more difficult than I expected: they wouldn't accept my college transcripts because they didn't come from the college itself, and called them "unoffical"...except they totally were official. I didn't want to explain to them that my college was gone--like, its name is now completely defunct and all the records have been destroyed. It's honestly too painful for me to think about. You'd think it would be more like a catharsis--like it would be relief knowing the sh*thole institution that caused me so much grief is gone, but...it's more like it rubs salt in the wound. I wasted all those literal blood, sweat, and tears to get a nonsense degree from a school that now only exists as a local scandal. Ugh...

But I got the paperwork sorted out, now, I think. Here's hoping I get accepted into that certificate program... (and that I'm going to be able to grasp actual IT and web design courses) I think this is a good opportunity for me to "start over", in a sense. At least it will look good on my resume--it won't look like I was completely neeting-out during the pandemic, lol. I'm hopeful for the future.

7 / 24 / 2020 -

This past Wednesday was my birthday~
I turned 27.

I was debating whether or not to state my actual age here... Growing up, the concept of time and aging was kind of difficult for me too handle: I spent a lot of time obsessing over becoming the person my younger self wanted me to be, and lamenting over things that I could have done differently. I'd grow another year older, but it always felt wrong for some reason.

Sometime around 16, I started pushing myself harder to "complete" this bucket list of important adulty things I had in my head. But they weren't very realistic goals, as I was still very childish...but I was really headstrong and wild, and adults would gently ask me, "But can you dress that way forever, even when you're old...? Can you really keep watching all of those cartoons...?"

Anyway, at the end of the day, I've decided it was important to just honestly state my age, even if it's a little embarrassing: if there's any young people out there that feel silly for their interests/hobbies, I'd like to be an example that you can still enjoy all of the goofy and geeky things you liked growing up--you don't actually crumble into a pile of dust as soon as you hit your mid-twenties... :')

M gave me the ultimate birthday surprise: she texted me the night before my birthday telling me to check my steps for a package. She bought me a new controller for my switch, and a copy of Dead by Daylight...!! We got to talking about videogames when she came over to go swimming recently, and I had mentioned I was interested in Dead by Daylight but too cheap to buy it for myself, LOL. It was so incredibly sweet! I almost cried when I opened it~ ;w;

My parents got me a new phone. It's just a refurbished one, but I'm really grateful! I haven't set it up just yet, but I'm sure it'll be better than the one I have now. Mom baked cupcakes for me and it was really cute~ She brought up a video of Lady Gaga singing happy birthday on her ipad, because she thought her singing voice was too awful... (but I didn't have the heart to tell her that I don't listen to Gaga as much these days...) ^^;

It was a quiet day, but that's alright. I got quite a few unexpected birthday wishes from friends and distant family members...even a text from my old boss! It was so sweet! And I played a lot of videogames~! Had my little virtual party in Animal Crossing--my favorite villager hosted it, I was so happy~ ;O; And of course I played a ton of Dead by Daylight! It's so fun! But scary, ahhh~!! I'm absolutely awful at it, but I like to think that I'm getting better with practice. I die in just about every match, LOL...but I love all of the monsters, it's a blast! (even if I played a little too much, to the point where I'm getting chased by the killers in my dreams, lmfao)

Today, mom took me out for a belated birthday outing. We ran some basic errands--she made some returns and I bought a case for my new phone at Staples--and we visited some garden centers. I was on the hunt for some small houseplants to replace the ones I killed on my bedroom dresser. I settled on a basic succelent, and some kind of Japanese ruffled fern(?) for my hanging pot. I also talked mom into buying some spearmint for the veggie garden! Afterwards we went out to eat for Mexican food. It was my first time having fried ice cream in so long!! I think the last time I had it, it was still 2019...!! :o

I've had the chance to wear my lolita dresses twice this week. They weren't really proper coords--it's been far too humid to wear a full petticoat/tights, but... it's nice to just to enjoy wearing a dress with a fluffy skirt, sometimes. For years, I've gotten so caught up in looking polished in the eyes of randos on the internet, but...it doesn't really make any sense, because I don't post photos of myself online anymore--so who's around to fuss that I could have worn a different hair ribbon, or that my bag could have matched better...?

When I put my dresses on and look in the mirror, I feel satisfied: there's a special sweet feeling that I can't seem to put into words. It's like wearing something from a fantasy--like how I would want to see myself in some kind of fairytale world. It feels graceful, delicate...So even if it's something rather small, and all I can manage to do is wear a nice blouse or a small ribbon, I think I want to make the effort to dress creatively again. Because I honestly didn't realize how much I truly missed it.

7 / 20 / 2020 -

Long time, no entry! Hello~!

I say something every month about time passing by too quickly, but this month disappeared before I could even breathe. Seriously!! My birthday is in two days...I have mixed feelings about it. Mom and I had tried to plan some kind of day trip--maybe visit my cousins and go to the beach, or something--but the weather looks awful, it's going to be blistering hot and stormy... So I don't have many plans for that day, other than putting on one my casual lolita dresses and playing Animal Crossing under a blanket.

My parents have been fighting so much this last week. My dad has really been in a bad place. Normally I'd try to keep my nose out of it, but everything came to a head when he exploded on me one afternoon...over me closing a door too loudly. Usually my poor mom and brother get the brunt of his nonsense because I always hide from him, but he cornered me while I was trying to go outside to care for the chickens...He's absolutely neurotic! Anyway, even if it was stupid, I still cried, because I hate being shouted at. Mom twisted his arm and he texted me a half-assed apology. One of those "I'm sorry but also you're just sensitive and misinterpreted everything, so technically I didn't do anything wrong, so I'm not actually sorry at all".....

After all that happened, I spent a lot of time moping in my room. My mood swings were already wild from my PMDD, and the stress caused my period to be late...I was a wreck. Miserable and basically comatose some days. Had the worst acne breakout I've had in years...even my mom couldn't help but comment on it, asking "What's up with your forehead?" It felt I like I was 14 and trapped in my room again. I was a depressed blob. Even when my period finally did come, I wasn't met with much relief--the first two days were incredibly painful, with some of the worst aches I've had in awhile.

But with all that whining aside, I finally got to see M! She came over yesterday to go swimming! There wasn't a cloud in the sky, it was really beautiful~ We swam for almost 2 hours, and then sat and drank for awhile. I put together some snacks for us, and she brought the booze--I think the fruit plates I put together came out cute~

It was so nice to see her! We haven't seen each other in person since the beginning of March, right before the lockdowns started. She's always been the voice of reason during my weird brain stuff, lol~ Everytime we hang out, I feel refreshed. We're starting to seriously talk about our dream Asia vacation--she wants to go to Korea and Japan before we turn 30, haha~ We've joked about it for ages, but it's coming to the point where we're running out of time, and I think she's actually serious...which is awesome!! Because I've always wanted to see Japan, ever since I was very little. It seems like a far-off dream right now, but...it's something nice to look forward to, someday.

Overall, my weekend has been pretty good! I'm finally starting to physically feel better, and I really enjoyed watching Vinesauce's charity stream. Now that the week is here, I'm going to try to get some important things done: need to sign up for classes at a nearby community college (I finally found a certificate program for web development!) and get back into my writing projects. Hopefully my next entry will be sooner, rather than later...!

7 / 10 / 2020 -

Man, my entries have been so full of typos lately! Sorry, lol~ ^^; I went back and fixed some of them.

SoooOOOooo...I got pretty sick for a few days. I think it was from some kind of medication withdrawal. **tw mention of drugs** Somehow, I ran out of my sleeping pills before the refill date. I'm still at a loss on how I managed to do this: did I mess up the dosage somehow? Did I forget to fill it last month? No matter how much I wrack my brain, I still can't figure out how this happened...Anyway, I thought I'd get by just fine, that I would just tweak the dosage of my anxiety meds to get through the week--but I ended up having the most awful case of insomnia I've had in awhile, and spent most of the time sick to my stomach. My hours are so messed up...

During one of my sleepless nights, I snuck outside and sat on the back steps to look at the stars. There were tons of golden fireflies flying about high in the tall pine trees. It was around midnight, and it was supposed to be raining but the sky was so clear. It was so beautiful...

Yesterday, Mom and I gave the chicken a bath. Bathing the chicken isn't a regular occurrence, but Blondie got really dirty and was smelling real bad...So we got a plastic tub full of water and gave her the whole bath shebang. She hated it, lol... And she still kinda smells. But at least it was an attempt to prevent against a mite infection...

I've been swimming twice! Usually we don't use our pool much because our neighbors are so damn noisy, but I think they moved out? The yard is so much more peaceful, now. It's been so fun~! I'm going to try to go swimming a lot more this summer--soon I hope to invite M to come swimming~

I've also started lifting weights again. I'm so sore!! Ugh...it's pretty embarrassing how out of shape I am, lol. I found a handwritten note of New Year's resolutions from 2019 (omg...) that mentioned weight lifting. There was a lot on that list that I didn't accomplish at all-- but trying to get a little stronger is something that I can work on while being quarantined, at least. So I'm going to start working towards that. Please hold me accountable, internet strangers...!!

Mmm...I feel like my brain has been super scattered over the past few days, but I can't think of what else to write. I've been watching an embarrassing amount of Virtual Youtuber content. Even downloaded a program called Vroid to play with, that people use to make their own 3D avatars for VR and motion-tracking programs...I can't afford any of the tech to do that (so I guess I won't be making a virtual debut anytime soon, lol) but making the models is really fun! Its piqued my interest in 3D modeling--I wonder if I'd be any good at it...? But this feels like another random skill that won't be helpful at all in the "real" world...going to art school killed my drive, ha.

Despite everything, I've been writing a lot. I've stayed pretty true to my "write at least one sentence per day" rule! Even if I'm a lazy ass, I hope I can continue this sort of pace.

7 / 6 / 2020 -

I didn't get a chance to say it last entry, but happy July~

We're offically entering my birthday month...Even though I'm a proud Cancer, I'm not looking forward to growing another year older. I don't even think I'll be doing anything to celebrate...not that I did much last year either, but with the pandemic on top of everything, it really limits any party ideas.....

But!!! Moodiness aside, things aren't so bad right now! I'm trying really hard to be more productive this month. Going to be frank and admit that I feel like I kind of wasted the month of June. Looking over my past entries, my health issues really kicked up in a bad way. It's so frustrating not even having a way to combat this: even when you're taking care of your body the best you can, the mind still doesn't want to cooperate...it feels like all I can do is pray that this month is going to be better. I'm doing to try really hard to do better.

Yesterday was the very first time that I saw my friends in person since February ! E finally had her backyard picnic. I was a bit cautious going into it--the scrapped notes I mentioned in my last entry went into the details of some petty spat going on between some of the members of our little "gang"...but nothing seemed to really come of it. I think it was just a bunch of gossip and people misinterpreting each other because we've only communicated via text all of this time...But I'm really grateful that I had the chance to see everyone. We chatted in a circle in E's backyard for hours. It was so fun, that I didn't realize how late it was until it started getting dark!

I finally gave E her birthday present--I got her Animal Crossing cookie cutters, and a sewed her a little bell bag (like the ones in the game) to put them in. She really loved it! But like, 3 days before the party, I realized that my friend J's birthday had also passed. I was so embarrassed that I forgot it!! So I had to cobble together a little gift for her the best I could before the party. She and her wife are both practicing witches, and I had some extra incense and a spell candle, so I put together a little spell kit with a bag of herbs for her~ I also made her a potpourri bag--I've made quite a few now, but this time I went for a tropical kind of scent: grapefuit oil, rosemary, lemon balm leaves, cinnamon, and basil...For something made so last minute, I think it came out really good! She seemed to really like it, I was so glad~!

Overall, I'm just really happy. It's been hard after the events of my last entry: things aren't the same in our yard without my favorite chickens around...and truly, I'm not sure if I can ever forgive myself for what happened...But my family and I have been working hard to rebuild their fence so that it's better! I've spent a lot of time outside in the garden, keeping a close eye on the chickens that are remaining. I've been working on weeding our vegetable garden. It's hard!! Mom is a lot faster at it than me...

I've been writing quite a bit over the past few days. Been working on a project that may-or-may-not turn into a job opportunity...So I haven't had much time to work on this site. Sorry~ I've had so many ideas floating around my head, though! I keep finding a graphic or a color scheme, and thinking "Oh, it would be so cool if I did a page with [x] aesthetic!" But...I don't know how I'll organize everything. This site is already pretty big, with a ton of unfinished pages, lol... ^^;

I'll do my best to keep pushing forward. I'll try not to get distracted by my many whims! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other~

7 / 2 / 2020 -

I had some notes of stuff I wanted to talk about in this entry, but it all feels rather meaningless now.

Two days ago, a fox broke into our chicken pen and attacked our flock. We lost half of our hens. I know it's not nice to pick favorites, but it killed Nugget, my favorite girl...

I just happened to walk in on the middle of it, to save our eldest hen Blondie, from being completely torn apart...But she was already disabled with a bad leg, and is now injured--she hasn't been moving much since the incident, and I think she's on her way out...

Our final remaining chicken, Penny, managed to escape fairly unscathed by flying away and hiding in the woods out back. But she screams and cries so much now, frantically pacing around the cage--I think she knows that she's the only one left in one piece.

My family and I are trying to figure out how to better reinforce the pen, and we're looking into trying to adopt some more hens to give Penny some new sisters.

But I'll never forget the moment I came across my girls bodies strewn across the yard. It's making me sick right now, just re-imagining it. This all technically happened on my watch, so I can't help but feel that this was sort of my fault...

But I don't want to make this entry completely about myself. RIP Chicken Nugget and Pecan, you were some of the sweetest hens we could have ever asked for. Thank you for all of the precious memories. I'm so sorry that mama couldn't protect you....