2 / 24 / 2021 -

What a week! And it's not even over yet! Whoa!

I'm now the only one in my household that hasn't gotten the first shot of the COVID vaccine. It's okay, though--I understand that there's a lot of people in line ahead of me for it, so I'm not really in a rush...My parents pulled their cards right in order to get there's so early: lots of paperwork involved, but they were able to get it so early because they're the legal caretakers of my disabled brother.

I had my first (over the phone) meeting with my boss. It went pretty well! I was fussing so much over the notes I had prepared...its been quite awhile since I worked with her, so I was doubting myself so much. Her emails are super vague and esoteric--I showed my friends and E said she talks like an MCAS question where the subject of the sentence is in the wrong place...LOL. But she said she loved everything I presented to her! And she has a lot of new plans for her business, which is good--because that means more potential hours for me! :p

I have to learn how to be productive again, though. Seriously... After a whole year of not having any important deadlines and doing f*ckall, I...don't think I remember how to set hard deadlines for myself. Sooo that's going to be a learning curve. Ha...

Otherwise, my day-to-day life has been pretty typical. I deep-cleaned my room cuz I broke out in hives one night--couldn't figure out why, thought it might be due to dust...Mom helped me move some of my furniture around. I have just enough space to bust out my weighted hula hoop! I'm so excited, I haven't hooped in years! Maybe I'll be able to see my waist again by summer...! :')

My dreams have been WEIRD. I've been repeatedly dreaming of eating pancakes. There was one dream where I was at an abandonded amusement park, and there was this dark tunnel full of broken Neopets animatronics with human teeth...it was so upsetting, lmfao.

Overall, I feel pretty good. I've been so inspired, lately! I want to make a lot of things! I was even doodling a bit the other night. Dad made a giant pitcher of margarita the other night so I've been sipping on that in the evenings. Next entry will probably be in March, so I hope all of my Neocities friends have a nice end of February~!

2 / 17 / 2021 -

I know I've been working quite hard on new site updates here, but it looks like my output is about to slow down again...Because some new work as found me. (!!!) Erm, well, maybe more like "old work", haha. My old boss texted me and asked if I was interested in doing some freelance projects again. Of course I said yes--how could I not?! I haven't had a proper gig since the very beginning of 2020... Guess I manifested some money!! Whoa!! I'm super excited about being employed again, while also just a wee bit apprehensive because I don't know what the potential workload looks like yet, but I think this is a really good opportunity!

This chance encounter has me revisiting the idea of creating a professional website for myself. I started something last year--I drew some graphics and a logo for it, and wrote one blog post...but now I'm looking it over, and I want to completely redo everything. I'm second-guessing the color scheme and the whole aesthetic. Like...maybe what I picked out is too childish? It doesn't help that I'm only able to draw really girly cartoons...I don't really know how to market myself as a proper grown adult that's actually capable of doing things.

I try to look at other examples of people doing the sort of thing I'd like to, but it's all very "#girlboss" and over-saturated with these monochromatic, minimalist portfolios with the same vibe...Not that there's anything wrong with that sort of thing! It's just hard to imagine myself in the same sort of light. My mom straight up told me "Just don't talk about yourself. Don't mention your hobbies or your aspirations." when I showed her what I was working on. I shrugged it off then, but the more I think about it, it was...kind of a rude thing to say? Like, I get trying to distance your personal life from your professional life, but when you're pursuing a career in the arts, your interests and your work are intertwined. That's your inspiration, right? You can't really divorce yourself from that.

Idk, I just need to shut up and make something. My tarot cards told me so. What's the worst that could happen...? That some HR person thinks I'm a bit odd? It's more probable that no one will look at my stuff at all. I'll try not to let my anxiety and rude words of my family hinder my progress. Imposter syndrome is a crazy thing, man...

At my friend S's suggestion, I ordered some cables for my old PC hard drive from years ago (it was my very first PC that sat in my room throughout highschool) in order to try to plug it in somewhere and get the data off of it....I managed to do it successfully on the first try! I can't believe it! :') I've been wanting to access the damn thing for years, I never knew that it would be easy enough for me to figure out on my own...!! It's been...interesting to go through all of the old photos I took. Lots and lots of cringey stuff I saved from tumblr. Some if its genuinely heart-warming--like photos with my family and friends and old pets that I thought I had lost--but a lot of it is really stupid, ha. But that's part of being a kid, I guess!

It's weird, but I wish I had saved a bit more--I was hoping there would be more photos of fashion bloggers that have since retired from the internet, more music videos I thought I had saved from back then, etc...But there wasn't really much to see, in that regard. The internet is truly so ephemeral. It's taken me so long to learn that not everything will still be there, years later...But I did uncover some very precious things! Like my entire Moon Kana discography that I thought I had lost forever!! Now that I better understand how to back-up my data, all I can do is try to think of the future. I'll try harder not to lose these precious things again.

Gosh, I'm rambling so much. This entry is so long and I feel like I barely made a dent in everything going around my head rn. It really feels like my brain has been going a mile a minute, lately--it's exactly one week from my period (according to my tracking app) and my PMDD is flaring up. I feel...nonsensical. Hopefully the next entry I write will be more straight-forward, lol.

2 / 12 / 2021 -

It just keeps falling. Right now we're in a lull period, but we're scheduled to get more blizzards soon. It's very pretty, but the snowbanks are getting so high! I'm having flashbacks of the record-breaking winter we had a few years ago, when the snow was so tall that it reached the top of lampposts and street signs...I don't think we're quite at that point yet, but it feels like we're getting there. My chickens haven't seen the sky in ages--they've been locked into their roost until the temperature finally gets above 30 degrees...

I can't help but feel as if I'm regressing completely into my teenage self. My anxiety is starting to get out of hand again--I'm avoiding responsibilities that involve leaving the house, and not doing much besides napping and playing videogames. Actually, I'd argue that I'm a bit worse off than that...I was consideribly more creative as a teenager, at least. But I'm weirdly content eating snacks in my dark room and playing Kingdom Hearts, and I kind of hate myself for it.

But I did go grocery shopping with mom the other day, and that went pretty well. First time I'd been in a full-size department store in awhile, and I felt okay--no panic attacks or sensory overloads. It's embarrassing to admit this, but it's a small victory. Gosh, this is really moody, isn't it? Sorry... I think I'm just having a bad week: everything feels heavier than it usually does, and I'm hormonal and wracked with anxiety. I think I'll feel more like myself in a week or two.

My family members are starting to get the COVID vaccine. My mom and grandfather just got theirs today. My brother will get his soon, but his appointment got rescheduled to next week. Everyone around me is starting to feel more hopeful about the future...I don't know how to feel. It's like: well, we've all already hit rock bottom...if I get my hopes up too high, how much more painful will it be if things end up crashing down again...?

But overall, my life is in a kind of comfortable stasis...who am I to complain about it, really? I bought the premium rift pass in Dead By Daylight, so I'll be spending my time grinding away for new outfits, lul~ (decided to throw my coins in cuz of the Yui and Nea stuff) I'm going to try to write more content for this site, too! I need to completely restart my javascript project, I think...So I can't promise any huge updates anytime soon, but I am working on new stuff, ok~? I've recieved so many nice messages lately--thank you for coming by my site and reading what I have to say!

2 / 6 / 2021 -

Happy February~! (for like five whole minutes, I was staring at the word "February" wondering if it was spelled right)

My brother is scheduled to get the COVID vaccine next week, through his dayhab program for disabled folks. The company in charge of organizing it also asked if his legal caretaker (in this case, my mom) would be interested in also receiving it, so she might get it as well. Ngl, it all has me a little spooked--now I'm NOT anti-vaxx in any way!!! but I'm just a bit wary about the whole thing. I'm more concerned about the effectiveness of it all...With more and more news about the new variants flying about, the future feels more and more...fuzzy? Unsure? If I think about it too long, I get so anxious.

A huge snowstorm blew through this past weekend. We got just over a foot of it. It was up to my knees when I tried to get to the chicken coop the next morning... I've come to realize that I don't have any snow pants. I finally outgrew the ones I had as a teenager. (I think I just gained weight...lol... but it suits me right for trying to fit into things I've had since I was 13, I guess.) It was beautiful just how sparkling and quiet and white everything was after the storm--its been such a mild winter that I had almost forgotten what heavy snowfall looked like. You just can't capture it on camera.

My poor grandfather had a scare and ended up in the hospital. Had some kind of allergic reaction to a new medication, and his tongue swelled up real big. His visiting nurse that comes in once a week just happened to be there the day it happened, and she called an ambulance. He was only there for a day, and is recovering at home now, thank god...I think he'll be okay now, but I'm so scared that he might have picked up COVID from just being in the hospital for a day...

Despite everything, I've actually been working on new pages for the site--!!! :o It's been awhile since I coded something from scratch! Tbh, it's not looking very good. I'm experimenting with javascript for the first time in ages and it's...not really working correctly, lol. I keep thinking back to when I attempted to take those web design courses last year, and wondering if it was foolish for me to even try. Idk if it was cocky of me to think "Yeah, this could turn into a living!" when it was really just a hobby. Which is fine...but I'm pushing 30 and I feel so aimless. What is my talent...? I have to have at least one talent, right...?