12 / 31 / 2020 -

Happy Holidays and a happy New Year, to all of my Neocities friends~!

Sorry for the radio silence--the holidays were waaaay more stressful than I had anticipated, despite it being a fairly quiet one this year. I think there was this added pressure of trying to make everyone ~*extra happy*~ this year because, well...y'know, 2020 being a nightmare and all... But between the social pressures of Christmas and my PMDD being in its final manic swings, it just resulted in a lot of bad brain stuff. Like...really bad.

**tw: gross illness stuff / mentions of ableism / suicidal ideation **

And that's not touching on the physical symptoms: my UTI came back for a few more days...at one point I accidently woke my mom up while I was sick in the bathroom, and she got really angry at me over it. "I'm sick of you always being sick!!" she yelled. I was so upset--I don't really know why my body acts the way it does. I never had these problems as a teenager--and really, I'd like to think I should be the healthiest I've ever been, considering my diet/habits are much better now...but still, I'm bedridden for at least a week every month. My doctor and psychiatrist always brush it off when I try to explain how bad it gets...I try to look up information on PMDD, but I just find reddit threads of people with it wishing they could die, because it's so horrible...

I'm sad again, just typing this out. Mom sort of apologized, but she thinks I need psychological help: like the physical symptoms are just something I'm making up in my head. Are they...? At this point, I don't really know. But I feel like I'm being robbed a significant chunk of my life: so much of my time is lost trying to nap off depressive spirals...If I can make some money, I'd like to go back to therapy next year.

But overall, Christmas was still very nice--there was a lot of squabbling over how to celebrate with COVID restrictions, but we managed. E hosted her virtual Christmas party over Zoom, and it was really fun~!! We opened up our presents on cam, and then played Jackbox games. On Christmas Day, we brought my grandfather over for dinner.

My family and friends were really gracious with the gifts! They surprised me so much...! ;__; The biggest surprise was probably my mom buying me this huge leather backpack I fell in love with at the antique store this summer: I can't believe she went back and bought it for me! I think it might be handmade...? It's really cool--it reminds me of something a nomadic elf would wear while trekking the forest, hehe~

I'll post some more end-of-the-year rambles soon, after the New Year passes, probably--this entry has become much too long, already...!!

12 / 18 / 2020 -

This week began with my bladder brewing up a nasty UTI, making me sleep past my appointment at the DMV to get my license renewed. Feeling incredibly stupid...Real Dingus Hours...I have no idea what sort of repercussions I'll face from not cancelling ahead of time--hopefully nothing serious. Sorry for making you listen about my piss...

Exhausted, feverish. But I usually get like this from my PMDD, so it's hard to tell what's been causing me to feel so awful. I'm on the mend, though--the past few days have been fairly productive: I completed some chores, ran some errands, and finished making the Christmas presents for my friends.

Yesterday, a big snowstorm blew through. It snowed and snowed--I think we got over a foot of it! My chickens have been hiding in their roost under the heat lamp for days. Thankfully no power outages...just a lot of shoveling to do. :p I decorated the Christmas tree by myself...Mom felt really bad she didn't get the chance to help, but honestly, I didn't really mind: there's been so many years where I didn't have time to do anything festive at all. Last year, I had to cram for a big project at my old job during the holidays, so I barely had any time to celebrate at all. I know the world is collapsing rn, but I feel like I should take solace in the peace I'm able to find: the fact that I finally have the time to do things like this is, in a way, a blessing. For the first time in a very long time, I've been listening to Christmas music. This is my favorite Christmas song!

There's still time for existential crisises, in between the festivities...been reading about security breaches in our government's databases and whatnot (I'm mincing details because I've only read very short summaries about it on reddit, lmao) and it has me pretty spooked. And of course, COVID...my friends and family have been arguing about how to spend the holidays. We still haven't come up with a good compromise yet.

It's hard to place how I feel about the future. There's a part of me that's really panicked that 2021 is right around the corner...but the whole world is in the same boat, right? I'm trying to not be too hard on myself. I have no idea if I should (can?) set goals for the coming year, but...I have some ideas: things I'm looking forward to trying, projects I'm hoping to create...it's small, but even small steps are a step forward. I'm going to do my best to try to remain positive.

12 / 12 / 2020 -

Despite everything I said about my area being a red-zone last entry, I've still been leaving the house more often than I have in awhile, lol. I went thrift shopping for the first time in idk how long--I was stupidly excited to sift through dusty old junk again, hahaha~ I got some really nice craft supplies: stuff to make my friends' Christmas presents with (though sadly no tins...), some beautiful lace, and embroidery thread. Saw my first obstinate "I won't wear a mask!" old person out in the wild...which was scary, but I'm lucky enough to say that I've only seen one of those types in-person this entire year. Thankfully anti-maskers seem to be in the minority around here...other places have it way worse...

Anyway, I've been at work figuring out my Christmas gifts for everyone. I painted mom a rock for her garden. It kind of sucks, LOL...but I'm making her potpourri bags too, so hopefully that makes up for it... ^^; E is hosting a virtual Christmas party on the 19th: she's volunteered herself to drive around and deliver presents to everyone in the group, so I've got to hurry up and make those tea blends. As much as I love to make the people I care about happy, this time of year is always full of anxiety!!! Because I get myself real worked up over trying to pick out the perfect present.

The other night, I finally discovered the original source of these very old gothic lolita photos I've had saved for years...if you're interested in gothic lolita/old school lolita, you'll probably recognize these pics immediately (case one, case two): they get passed around a lot. But it always bothered me that I was never able to hunt down the original site they came from, until now...! (A trigger warning for blood and minor body horror, if you choose to explore those pages: the model seems to be a young photographer who loves fake blood and body mods) I can only understand so much because I have to use Google Translate to read anything, but between the broken poetry and edgy rants about death , I'm inspired by the atmosphere of these simple pages. It really paints a picture of another time: when the lolita scene was much darker, more raw...

Lately, I've been doing a lot of reminiscing. Been listening to the Kingdom Hearts OST and sorting through old photos--the music from those games is so pretty... It deserves a shrine here on my site, someday... But listening to it transports me back in time to my early teen years. The energy of being a frustrated young person is really chaotic, but it was also a really creative time: I made a lot of different things back then, regardless of whether or not they were any good, just because...well, it was a catharsis for the energy that was spilling out of me with nowhere to go. I had a very distinct vision of who and what I wanted to be when I was older: that I would dress like [x], I would do things like [x], I'd have a job like [x]...Now that I'm officially "an adult", none of those plans really panned out...and some of it is definitely for the better, but also...I can't really help but feel that younger me would be disappointed in adult me...

It's all just really boring. Adult life is really boring!

12 / 7 / 2020 -

My rinky-dink farming town got called a COVID "red zone" on the local news the other day. We did pretty good managing our numbers early on in the pandemic (probably because there's so much space between the houses here, and whatnot...) but now it seems that the second wave is catching on to us...I knew a second wave was inevitable in the beginning of the year, but it's really sobering to watch the numbers on the county website go from literally zero to 60-something overnight... I'm pretty shook, because just last week I went out with mom to do some Christmas shopping. We tried to stick to small local businesses only, but everywhere was crowded...

But the other day, we had snowfall! I'm kind of relieved--it was so getting so warm here that it felt like the holiday season would never properly come, lol... ^^; It came down so fast! And then froze immediately after...kind of a nasty storm...my arm is a little sore from chopping ice off of the deck.

I'm trying to get focused on making Christmas presents, and not spend too many hours playing videogames, lolol. (It's hard, my favorite games all have holiday events going on rn, ahhh!!!) Gotta harvest and dry some more patchouli to make potpourri bags with. I'd like to take a trip to the local charity shop soon to find some second-hand boxes/tins to wrap of presents in...I'm making custom tea blends for my friends this year, and I'm still trying really hard to be more eco-friendly when it comes to gift wrap--idk if I'll find what I'm looking for exactly, but I'm envisioning vintage cookie tins wrapped in green linen, decorated with pine and rosemary sprigs~*~*~

My neighbor texted me last night and said they thought they saw some kind of comet/shooting star over my house. I thought I saw a flash in the sky when I went out to put the chickens to bed, but it happened so quickly that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. I'm filled with a weird sense of...dread? No, that's not the right word...more like, anticipation? about next year. I entered 2020 thinking it was going to be this incredibly blessed time, and, well...I'm sure you know where I'm going with this, lmfao. I guess I just don't want to build up any huge expectations about 2021, but...I can't help but feel that something significant is about to happen..?! Idk. Blame the position of the planets, I guess. Weird vibes all around.

12 / 3 / 2020 -

*wheeze* H-hello...
HhhhhHHHhhhughhhhh...

I don't really have any good excuses as to why I haven't written in my diary in so long. Was hoping to try to write a proper update in here last month, but...somehow, it's already December!

My experience with going back to school was really overwhelming. I started off with four classes, and then dropped down to three a few weeks in after I realizing that I was in waaaay over my head (teaching myself C++ was impossible, even with a tutor...)...then had like two mental breakdowns over professors not communicating deadlines/expectations well, and by Breakdown #3 and a bunch of failing grades, I realized none of this stress was worth it, and just...kinda g h o s t e d.

I should feel more guilty about that, probably--I did when I first made the decision. I tried to keep it a secret for as long as I could...which really says something about me, because I'm bad at keeping secrets. Eventually I caved and started mentioning to people that I failed my classes and gave up. Everyone around me was really shocked--I've always been a goody-goody studious sort of kid, was even in the high honors society when I was in college getting my bachelor's...Surprisingly, the only thing my mom said about it was "Well...you seem happier these days."

But I feel like I can finally think straight, for the first time in ages. I'm embarrassed about the amount of money that went down the drain for such a crap experience, but...I think I learned just enough to keep teaching myself more about code: like, it was a good starting point to some new concepts, at least. Despite my professors being nasty to me/bad at teaching in general, I still want to make websites.

A note to my future self, if I ever decide to read this: Please, for the love of god, DO NOT fall for the scam of formal education ever again!! I'm begging you to never let yourself let strangers dictate the quality of your life over meaningless exams on shit you can probably teach yourself for free, for a hefty price tag!!

*cough* Anyways....

I've thrown myself into some personal projects since I've had more free time. I've decided to finally put together a professional portfolio of my art from school, and the social media work I did a few years ago. I'm not sure if that sort of thing will improve my resume, but... idk, my old boss was always insisting that it was something I should do. And I'm finally finding the confidence to talk about myself...for the first time in a very long time. Failing those classes finally made me realize my worth, I think. I'm going to try to keep it fresh, though--I still want it to have a sort of DIY, old-internet vibe, so I hope to code it completely by myself! Right now I'm just drawing a logo and some graphics, but...I'll do my best~!

Been sketching a lot in general, and writing more regularly too. I'm trying really hard to get myself on a consistent schedule: if I truly want to be serious about pursuing the arts (at least part time) then I need to be producing content regularly. My health has been fighting me though: it's been especially hard this past month...I'm trying to cut down on sugar and caffeine rn, so I'm hoping that this change helps in the long run.

And of course, I'd like to update my site here, more often! Though I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment: I had so many ideas before my school semester started, but now I'm not sure where to pick back up...But I hope to get back into the swing of it, soon~!

Sorry if this entry is super scattered: I've never conquered how to approach these "I've been gone for ages but I'm back now!" posts, lol. I missed the Neocities community sm while I was gone!! As always, thank you for taking the time to read this, web-surfer...!! :')