8 / 31 / 2020 -
This is probably going to be a pretty boring entry, but I wanted to squeak out a last one before the month changed. I'm filled with a lot of nervous energy--like, I can't seem to focus on a single task. Just keep jumping from thing to thing...but I can't really place what's bothering me. I guess it's the pressure of my "summer vacation" ending...? I had some goals that I wanted to accomplish by the end of the summer--stuff like "Oh, I'll finally finish writing that fanfic I started ages ago! And clean out those boxes in the corner of my room!" But...most of it didn't happen. ._____.
I wonder what it's going to be like, being a student again. I had to complete an ~*online orientation*~ that was basically just watching a powerpoint presentation about all the buildings on campus...which seemed very nice, but completely useless because the campus is closed due to COVID. :p I hope I can manage the workload. I've taken online classes before, so I'm sure it won't be hard to get the hang of it...but I'm worried that this year has made me incredibly lazy (like...more lazy than usual) and I'll forget to turn in assignments and whatnot. I'm going to do my best to be organized!
Yesterday I had a zoom chat with E and S. It was really fun!! I guess I didn't realize how lonely I've been lately, because I really blabbered on and on...I'm grateful that they were patient with me, lmao~ I felt inspired afterwards--we didn't talk about anything particularly important, but I think it was just a nice release of energy...? I felt refreshed. E is going to try to hold another backyard picnic next weekend. I'm really excited~!
Looking forward to the full moon coming up. I've had this sense of guilt nagging at me, because I haven't done any spellwork in ages. I've barely even touched my tarot cards lately. I've just been staring at my altar feeling frustrated--like the energy is just...stale? Tired? Anyway, I completely pulled it apart and started going through all of my supplies. I have plans to turn this vintage suitcase I inherited from my grandparents into a sort of traveling altar: something I can just open up and start using anywhere. I couldn't actually sit at my old altar (it was just the top shelf of a bookshelf in the corner of my room...) so I'm really excited about coming up with this alternative!! I'll make moon water and cleanse all my crystals and such on the night of the full moon~ I think I'll finally feel re-connected to my craft again once I finally get around this weird blockage around my rituals...!
For the most part, my day to day has been the usual. I mowed the lawn today, and ran an errand with mom this afternoon. Mom teased me because I dressed a little too flashy-- I wore a miniskirt I used to wear a lot as a teenager, and a pair of my lolita-style maryjanes...but I complained that it was an event I had to dress up for, because I had finally shaved my legs, lolol~~ We swung by my grandfather's when we were done. The wild grapes around his property are starting to ripen!! The tangy smell always reminds me of my childhood home. I'm going to research how to make grape jam, I think.
8 / 26 / 2020 -
I keep sitting down to start writing an entry, but then I delete everything I've written. Life has been weirdly busy lately--nothing incredibly note-worthy to report on, but just enough that I want to write, but haven't found the time...(Also just feeling kind of self-conscious about my writing in general: like, do I really need to tell the story about how the scary lady with the vampire-like aura at the pharmacy grilled me about my medication doseage, or how my wacky neighbor cornered me at the mail box and babbled on to me about how much she loves Instagram...?!)
My life just isn't that interesting, lololol....
...But lately, I've actually been leaving the house...!! Well, going out as much as the pandemic will allow, anyways. I've ran some errands, picked up my meds at the pharmacy. I also did some shopping with mom. We went to a Wicca/New Age shop, and I spent a gift card that I had been saving since Christmas...I mostly stocked up on incense, lol~ But I did find a pocket-sized guide on basic herbology and medicinal herbs, and a beautiful selenite bowl! My aunt also came up for another visit. I didn't spend too much time with her, but she got me a late birthday present, which was very thoughtful. Been eating way too much drive-thru fast food lately. I've been paranoid that I've been out of the house too much this past week and could have been exposed to something (my aunt is still not wearing masks around us, and I've seen way too many cocky old people wandering about without masks...) so I've been staying home more often now...which is okay. But it was really great to get some irl social interaction for once.
Now I've been focusing on cleaning and re-arranging my room. Fall is around the corner, and I need to move some things around in order to bring my herbs inside for the winter. I pulled out some really old projects from the AP art class I took during highschool--and, well, I just found them really embarrassing. LOL... It's so crazy how much you can change over the years. I thought I was such a twisted ~*artistic genius*~ at that age...Now I just wonder how the hell I even got accepted into art school, lmaoooo.
(But I suppose
everyone thinks they're hot sh*t at 17...?) I made the decison that I would photograph everything, but then toss half of them. Mom was horrified
when I told her what I was doing: "How can you just throw away your past?" she asked me. But I think having digital copies of everything will suffice.
It was honestly cathartic to put those old paintings into trash bags--I'll always keep some of my drawings, but keeping all of them just feels...overwhelming.
I'm possessed by this desire to just start over: I want to wipe the slate completely clean and stare at the empty space left with new eyes.
There was some musings about modern internet and social media here, but I figured it was just a lot of ranting, so I deleted it. My classes will start pretty soon--on September 9th. Still having some issues with my credits--but there's been even more emails sent back-and-forth, so I think it'll get sorted out soon. Now I'm looking at my textbook list and trying not to panic...I didn't realize that I would have to be buying software along with books...
I'm trying not to get self-conscious. I'm scared that I'll be too stupid to study something so...technical? But I really want to try! Trying to explain how I want to study web design but absolutely hate social media to my elderly neighbor brought up a lot of interesting thoughts...It's an awkward conversation to have: trying to explain how much you love the internet, but also hate it at the same time. That the true reason why I want to explore how computers and the internet work more deeply is because I want to try to change it somehow.
That's probably cocky to say out loud.
Just gotta keep one foot in front of the other. The horizon is nearing...!!
8 / 18 / 2020 -
So I made the leap and officially signed up for my first four classes at that community college. Just paid the bill today. It gave me heart failure though--the price ended up being waaaay higher than I thought it would be! I got it down to a few grand by sorting out a ton of paperwork, waiving some bullsh*t compulsary health insurance...And it seems that my credits from my first college degree still haven't transferred over properly yet, so the registrar was still trying to force standard English and math classes down my throat (even though I've taken so many!!)...But, after a hellish week of so many emails, I'd like to think I've got it sorted out, now!
Even if it's promising, by the time 2021 comes around, this program will just about wipe out all of my savings. Great.... It's so hard not to call higher education a scam, lol. Mom said she could maybe chip in a little, but I could see the doubt in her face--Just last month my family was having trouble with my brother's health insurance that covers his disability care, sooo...it feels wrong to ask for help rn.
But...even if this whole experience ends up being awful, the silver lining is that at least I actually made this decision completely on my own. Going through the admissions process made me realize how much my parents orchestrated my first college experience. They were very adamant that I get a degree (didn't matter in what, which is why I ended up at a foolish art school, ha), that I live in a dorm, that I go through the same "coming-of-age" experiences that they had as young adults--which is great and all, but I truly wasn't physically/mentally well to handle that. I was barely 18,
on sedating drugs that I was
abusing, and had zero life skills...I won't get too deep into the particulars, but it's safe to say my journey "into the world" was...messy.
But now I'm making this action on my own dime--I'm finally well enough to be making my own independent choice. A decision that doesn't come with any outside meddling and expectations. And I think being able to recognize that is...something. Hopefully this next step in my life will lead to greater things...!!
The last of the packages have arrived. The unexpected tuition bill cut me off from buying more supplies for a second COVID wave, lol. But I'm working towards making my room as comfortable and self-sufficient as possible, in case I'm trapped quarantining myself in it again like I did back in March.
(A recap: My dad got super sick for ~2 weeks, right as my state went into its first official lockdown. My family was so sure he had come down with COVID! Testing wasn't available to the general public yet--and he was sooo indenial about the virus anyways--that he never got properly tested to check...So I spent like 3 weeks hiding in my room. Really only came out to use the bathroom, and I would stock up on food/sanitize the house in the middle of the night when everyone else was asleep.)
In a bizarre turn of events, I made a new tumblr account. Gasp! Very strange of me, considering how I promised myself I'd never return to that hellsite, lol. But I think a mixture of loneliness and boredom got to me... (also, it's so easy to find stuff on there thanks to the tagging system, Pinterest just can't compete...) I hunted down some of my old mutuals from ~8ish years ago and all of their blogs have been abandonded ages ago, if not deactivated. It felt like poking a corpse. But if I can find any bit of joy between all of the angry children that still reside on that site, well...I guess I'll use it for awhile--just for a little bit. I'll consider linking it here....
Lately, I've been looking around my room and wanting to re-arrange all of the furniture. I've been watching Youtube videos about growing microgreens and darning socks. I've also been drawing just a little bit, for the first time in ages. I'd like to repurpose some of my old digital art pieces and throw them up on Redbubble or Society6.
I could make site merch. Anyone want to buy an official Teddie sticker..?? Eheh....ehehehe...
8 / 7 / 2020 -
I'm in one of my "low" moods again. It's been so hard to pull myself out of bed lately. ** tw mention of drugs/addiction ** I think I may have had a little seizure last night. I took some Nyquil for my allergies instead of my usual meds--I do this fairly often so I didn't think anything of it, but I guess I slept longer than usual, because I woke up twitching. It started in my face and moved to my arms and legs. Thankfully it was brief, and I was able to will myself up and get my meds back into me.
But it's incredibly frightening, and frustrating! I was forced on benzos as a child, I was barely fourteen when the doctor put me on xanax...I've been stuck taking them all my life, and I'll be frank and admit
that I abused them often throughout college. Now
I really don't want to be addicted to taking them anymore, I don't want to be reliant on these pills for the rest of my life...But tapering down is so hard, and all
of the people in my life (doctors included) are adamant that I stay on them. But I've made a lot of progress over the last two years getting my dosage down to waaay
smaller than it used to be...So I guess I just have to keep pushing forward on my own.
So I ended up going to that yard sale at the animal shelter (yes, the one I donated stuff too, lol). It was pretty fun~! E followed me over and we met up with M and her mom. It was a much bigger yard sale than I expected! And fairly crowded. I got some really neat things: a bunch of candles, a brass incense burner, some movies, and a glass jar for making moon water in. It all ended up only costing me $3--I kind of wish I had gone back to pick up a few more jars, there were tons of glassware for sale...but E started getting fussy about the heat, so we had to leave after giving M a rushed goodbye. Still, it was nice to see them in person, no matter how brief.
There were several old people wandering about the sale with no masks on, though...a bit concerning...
Our new washing machine finally arrived. But it was worrisome, because apparently the delivery folks who brought it in didn't wear masks in our house...I was upstairs in my room at the time, so I didn't see it happen, but my dad let them into the house without thinking. Said they were probably around my age--mid-20s, maybe? It's really concerning. Mom wiped down the new washing machine and the corner they were standing in. But...I don't know if it made a difference tbh, because wouldn't they have infected us by breathing all over everything anyways....?
My aunt came up for a visit too...but it was super awkward. Her son just had to get tested for COVID like, a week ago? It came up negative, so I'd like to think it was safe, but she barged in without a mask to come use our pool while her new puppy ran all over the yard. Now don't get me wrong, the dog was stinkin' cute--one of those super fluffy, pom-pom looking guys. But I couldn't help but think her behavior was inappropriate..?! She visited my frail grandfather while she was here, too. I'm so worried that she infected him...
So far so good, though...I think? Even if my paranoia has been rapidly increasing. Bought a mini-haul of stuff I thought I could use in another lockdown--but I'm worried about being reckless with my money, as I haven't received my tuition check for that certificate program yet...I keep breaking my possessions and needing to replace them, lol. Just last night my laptop speakers blew a fuse during a thunderstorm!
The people around me have been a little "on edge", in general. Mom and I just keep finding us saying "Winter's coming..." to each other. The governor just came on TV this afternoon saying he's planning to tighten restrictions again...Probably a good idea, considering how lax people have become. The quarantine was easier to handle when the weather was nice enough to spend time outside, but...our winter's are long and dark. Plenty of snowstorms to keep us trapped indoors. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid for everyone's mental health in the coming months. I feel as if I'm entering a second wave of grief: the cold realization that humanity is still suffering after all of this time, and things won't be returning to "normal" for quite awhile. It's going to be a rough winter.
8 / 1 / 2020 -
Happy August~! (I'm so early with making this new section, that it's still technically July!)
I'm having Many Thoughts about the internet again. The trials involving the Big Bois of Social Media has had me thinking about the lliminal-ness of cyberspace again. I think most people (at least us folks on Neocities) have already "been knew" about the issues surrounding social media giants for years now. But it's just....very interesting when the people behind those giant companies get caught in their own lies on camera.
But will any change actually come from this event? Hard to say. I'm doubtful. I feel like the general population is still a slave to all of these websites: Youtube and Twitter still have me shackled to them, unfortunately. And I imagine that this internet addiction problem is even worse for other people! There's a nagging worry that I can never get rid of, a tiny voice that wonders "What if, one day, one of these social media companies decide to shut down? Or charge for their use? Or make some kind of change that renders them impossible to use by the average person?!"
I've really gotta finish my shrine to digital archiving so I can ramble about this topic at length, and not clutter my diary with it, lol. I've got like 3 different articles for it almost complete, and a rough layout put together, I'm just getting hung up on creating the navigation... (It's been quite awhile since I updated the rest of my site besides my diary...I haven't forgotten about it, I promise!)
Finally, I got an email saying I was accepted into that certificate program!! Still a little unsure about my transcripts being accepted, though--I got an email telling me to take a math placement test, but I took two math classes at my old school, so I'm
trying to get out of it...But I should be receiving a
phone call next week about finalizing my class schedule and stuff. Guess I can ask about it then. I'm a little nervous, but I'll try to enjoy being a student again. (And at least now my
parents will finally get off my back about going back to school...!)
I got about ~5 boxes of old junk out of storage and into my mom's car. Will be taking it to the animal shelter for their yard sale this evening. I'm happy to finally see this stuff go (it's just been sitting in there for ages) but I'm still a little frustrated, because it seems like I barely made a dent in the mess. I've come to realize that the majority of my part of the horde is now my huge fabric stash and craft supplies...so I guess I either need to find a proper place to donate that sort of thing--or get sewing again, ha.
Been having some fears about a second COVID wave approaching. One of my cousins got exposed at work and had to get tested. They're fine, thankfully, but it's sobering news. My brother's school (Ermm, well it's not really a school, but it kinda feels like one. It's a day program for disabled people) that he used to attend part-time is opening back up--but mom's afraid to send him. My friend in education has been talking about all of the precautions her school is taking to try to keep everyone safe...Even if the numbers in my area are still fairly low, there's this increasing sense of dread. I think we all know that it's going to get rough when winter hits...
Money's tight, but I started making a list of things I want to buy in the coming month. I've been looking over my possessions and thinking if I can afford it, I should have a back-up of the most important things, just incase. Things like headphones, medicine, socks, etc. I keep hearing about all of these shortages: since our washing machine broke, we've heard there's a shortage on appliances. My friend said some sodas are missing at the grocery store because of an aluminium shortage. The supply chain's all messed up in general--I had read this all the way back in February, but the quiet summer had lulled me into a sense of false peace.
As for right now, though, life is okay: I'm still playing lots of Dead By Daylight and going swimming every evening. Actually, looking at it like that, my existance is pretty great, lmao. Hopefully I'll continue to find small joys throughout the end of the summer~