4 / 30 / 2020 -

SoooOOOooo...Not too much has happened since last entry. But I feel the need to write. That trip to my uncle's apartment in the city has been cancelled. My brother got sick at his day program (he's disabled and spends his weekdays in a group home setting, depsite the virus it was deemed essential, so he was still going) and while he seems just fine at home, mom doesn't feel right just leaving him home to fend for himself if he's truly sick. Also, the weather is still so depressing...it's been raining for days. It's a two hour drive to the apartment in my little car that doesn't handle bad weather very well, so...We decided it would be better if we went another time.

I forgot to mention this last entry, but my stimilus check finally arrived! I wasn't sure if I was even going to get one, lol. Now I have gubberment monies !! :p I don't have any clear plan for it...I'm waiting until next week until after the essential workers strike before I make a final decision, but I think I'd like to order myself my own vacuum cleaner. It's so annoying fighting over the single one we own with the rest of my family. Or maybe some new bedding...?

Mother's Day is coming up soon and I'm trying to think of something nice that I can make my mom despite being in lockdown. It's hard to decide...I've sewed her so many little crafts and drew her so many drawings over the years that I feel like I've exhausted all of my options... ^^;;; But lately I've caught her looking at pictures of painted rocks on Pinterest. Maybe I'll paint her a rock to put in her garden! (even if this all feels a little bit stupid...I feel like a little kid making crafts, lol...)

Just recently someone very kindly made me a new site button! If you haven't seen it yet, it's right in the center of my homepage. It's so perfect~! I can't help but thank James again for making it for me~ ;w;

The kindess of people I've met through this little site never fails to move me...It's really starting to become a digital portrait of my soul. Typing that out sounds really cheesy, but...it's true. When I finally finish coding all of these ideas I have, this site will be a representation of all the phases I've been through in my life. It's kind of vain...but I think it's so magical that anyone cares at all, y'know? When I started telling people that I was making a website, no one could understand why. "Who's going to look at it? What's the point?" my friends and family asked. Well...I'm still totally not sure what the point is, but I think that's the most wonderful part - that I get to just be here creating whatever I want with no clear agenda. I'm just being a regular human. And somehow, some way, people find it, and seem to enjoy it!

So...random internet surfer, if you're out there reading this, I just want to take a moment to say thank you for sharing this digital space with me ! :')

4 / 26 / 2020 -

Been feeling kinda aimless. I think the quarantine boredom is finally starting to get to me, ha. Nothing can seem to hold my attention these days. Thankfully mom and I went on a little day trip to the ocean yesterday - we went to visit my aunt and cousins in order to deliver some supplies to them. Hopefully it wasn't too irresponsible exposing ourselves to them: there's high-risk people in their household...but we spent most of the visit outside on their patio, so I'd like to think that they're safe...? They were so excited to see us. My aunt was begging us not to leave. Everyone is just so lonely right now: human contact is not something we're going to take for granted anymore, when we can finally figure out some form of normalcy after all of this...Anyways, while we were there we took a walk to a beach: saw some old streets that I hadn't walked on since I was a little kid. Got to admire the ocean and saw so many beautiful birds - saw plenty of seagulls, osprey, and vultures. The older I get, the more simple my forms of entertainment become, lol~ I could just watch birds all day...

Before we left, my uncle lent us the keys to his apartment. Mom and I are going to spend next weekend in it, and check up on everything because it's been sitting empty for almost a month now. At first I thought it was stupid of us to go - the apartment is in a much more urban area than compared to here, so like...what if we picked up something on the street, or something...? But I'm getting restless enough to risk it, at this point, lol. It's in a tourist hotspot, so since everything's probably shut-down and desolate, it should be pretty safe...? The more that time passes, the more excited I get about going. I'm looking forward to a change of scenery!!

Animal Crossing is continuing to save those in the world that are lucky to own a switch. Thank god, lmao~ My friends and I have been playing together a lot! The Earth Day event has been so much fun - I've finally saved up enough money to move all of my villagers' houses around to the perfect spot, and I've been planting each one their own garden. Slowly, the island is actually starting to look like something, and not a trash heap with random items thrown around, lmaooo~

There's a big rainstorm passing through here now - I slept in so late today just because it was so dark out this morning. I'm scared of thunderstorms!! But I'm going to try to be at least a little productive this afternoon, even if all I want to do is curl up in a ball under a blanket. Hoping to code something - still working away at like 4 different pages for my site...Maybe I'm being too fussy, but I really want my new pages to look good - I just want to be satisfied with them, now that I know a little more about code and I'm not just slapping random stuff together to see what it does. :p

4 / 22 / 2020 -

My chicken Penny got attacked by a fox. Again. She's always managed to escape the chicken pen somehow, and we've been lucky that she hasn't been scooped up by something, but today was a really close call...Mom had to rip the fox off of her and chase it away. By the time I made it to her, mom had already brought her in the house, feathers shedding everywhere. There was no blood though - at least, we couldn't see any wounds or anything. We sat with her in the bathroom while she coughed and hyperventilated for awhile. She almost died last time we had a fox attack, so it seemed really grim...I cried. I can't stand watching an animal suffer. But she managed to calm down enough to walk around the house a little and eat mealworms from our hands, so we put her to bed on the roost out in the coop. I think she's on the mend today - even laid us an egg this morning!

The schools here got cancelled for the rest of the year. Not that this has any real effect on me (I haven't been a student for a few years now...) but somehow the news really got to me. I keep trying to imagine what this would be like if I were still a highschool kid - hell, even a college kid - when I was younger, I always wanted to escape those sort of restrictive institutions, but...I imagine that the excitement of having a sort of 'never-ending snow day' would get tired after awhile, yeah...? I don't know. I'm having problems sorting through my emotions. I've been moping with what feels like endless migraines. Too much thinking, probably - it feels like I just managed to "succeed" at most basic societal expectations (aka getting a college degree) by the seat of my pants, before the world went to shit...but, at what cost? I feel like this opportunity was wasted on someone like me. All I want to do is to escape into the woods, start a farm, disappear...

My dad nagged me to back up our old digital camera and I found a bunch of photos from my highschool graduation. I legit think I peaked at age 17.

Can't stop thinking about old computer games. I want to curl up in a tinny pixel world and sleep. Been trying to remember all of the games I played as a little kid and saving footage of them from Youtube so that I can archive the memory in some way - this PC Crayola game about ponies brought up so many buried memories in me that I almost wept.

Wish it was summer so that I could go to the flea market...but we're all trapped in limbo, and everything just feels like a memory...

4 / 20 / 2020 -

So I went with my mom to pick up some take-out for dinner the other night. We wore masks and tried to be as cautious as possible. It was my first time seeing other people out-and-about running their own errands. I started counting them as they passed by: one, two, three, four... Every single person I saw that night had a mask on. I'm really glad people are being so careful! But it was a little sobering to see it with my own eyes. It was just a month ago that I was arguing my parents to start covering their faces when they left the house, and they weren't having any of it at the time. "No one else is doing it, I'll look weird" is what mom said. Well...things have changed, since then. It feels like the whole world has been flipped on its head.

I've been a busy bee, coding so many new pages for my site! Still not anywhere close to being "complete" on any given thing...but little by little, I'm making progress~! I'm really happy - I've gotten so much better at CSS after all this time! I'm nowhere near perfect, but I still get excited when I finally figure out something new with code. Thank you to everyone who's been patient with me while I've been posting these tiny preview updates on my profile over the past week. I hope I'm not spamming anyone's feed...?

One of my friends organized a group hang-out on Zoom...it was my first time trying out the whole group-video-conference experience. It was so nice to see everyone's faces after 2 months of isolation, but it was a little...overwhelming?! It's kind of hard to keep track of who's speaking. And there were only five of us...I can't imagine being a student relying on these video chats to actually learn something...I feel like it'd just be a sensory overload. (If you're a student in the middle of this mess, you have my deepest sympathies...)

Construction of my stuffed animal hammock (that I mentioned a few entries back) is underway! Though I'm starting to doubt if it will actually function or not - I've realized that my yarn might be too thin to hold even a small plushie up...So I've started braiding long strands of it together, to have something better to work with. My floor is a mess now, lmao. Long strings of yarn everywhere...

Anyways~ I gotta finish some laundry. I'm on day two of listening to tATu nonstop. We'll see how the rest of the afternoon pans out. Later~!

4 / 16 / 2020 -

Some of the seeds that mom and I planted have started sprouting! So far there's four little pea sprouts - they're so cute! I can't wait until they get a little bigger! Though I still feel like I know nothing at all about plants - all I did was put them in the dirt, and mom has been keeping up with the watering...I've been asking a lot of questions trying to understand it better: like, "How do you know how much water to give them?" And she just says "Don't know, just eyeball it." I remember her saying similar things when I learned how to make scrambled eggs for the first time as a kid. I kept asking, "Well, how much milk do I put in? How long does it sit in the pan?" But...there's not really a specific answer for those things, is there? Maybe gardening is kind of like cooking! The more I do it, the more I'll understand...hopefully.

(Gee, typing this out makes me sound really...naive? Annoying? I ask too many questions, lolol...)

I'm still playing Animal Crossing a lot. I feel like I've kind of hit a wall with it already though - I just learned that the houses are a bit smaller than the ones in New Leaf, and I'm cranky about it. I know the point of New Horizons is to decorate with items outside of your home...but I just want a pimped out mansion that I can display my massive clothing hoard in, goddammit! I'm also a bit miffed at the lack of furniture selection, but...maybe I'm complaining too early. I haven't been playing for very long, and I think there's quite a few features I haven't unlocked yet. I've just gotta keep paying off my loans, and stop spending all of my bells on clothes... (LOl!!)

Everyone, irl and online, has been talking about getting their stimulus checks and I haven't gotten mine yet. I was trying not to get fussed over it, but...I'm getting a little jealous, lol. I really only want to buy food and candles for my room, ha. Maybe attempt to get some extra cough medicine on amazon, if there's any still in stock...Mom and I have been discussing the possibility of food shortages if things happen to get worse in the future, so I've been researching where to order bulk food (like rice and granola) online. I really do miss puttering around a thrift shop, though - I could use some kind of pretty box to hold all of my meds, so that I don't have to stare at the bottles...

Before I sign out, just wanna acknowledge that my site has passed over 100,000 views!! Whoa~!! That's a crazy big number!! Gotta be real and admit that half of those views are probably just me, haha...but still!! I think that's so special - so many eyes have viewed my silly little site where I scream my desires into the void - that's so cool! I would do something special, but I don't know what. I've tried to put together celebration pages in the past, but I can never seem to come up with something I like well enough...So, guess if you're reading this, I just want to say thank you for visiting me in this digital space~! It means so much~

4 / 14 / 2020 -

Happy (belated) Easter to anyone that celebrates~*~! Because of the state of the world right now, I didn't expect to be doing much that day, but my mom still baked a ham for us, and dad baked rolls...it was really nice! I asked my mom why she went through all the effort, and she said "Well...we're going through a bad time, I thought it would cheer us up?" I was really moved - but I couldn't help but have this nagging feeling that we won't be having a big meal like this again...

I've gotten into the habit of feeding the birds kitchen scraps whenever I'm at my grandfather's house. There's a mated pair of canadian geese that are always in the backyard - they're starting to recognize me as the lady that brings them snacks. Last time I was there, they literally came flying and honking over to see me, lol~ It was so cute~

My health seems to be getting worse as these entries progress. I have a nasty nasal drip that's turning into a cough. It's been keeping me up at night. Ugh...I'm praying it's just my allergies and not corona-chan coming for my life. I finally picked up my room and vacuumed my floor this morning - it's embarrassing, but I absolutely hate cleaning! It's only because I'm allergic to dust, and I get so weak whenever I do it...and it turns into this big cycle of me:

starting / not finishing / getting overwhelmed / getting angry and hating all of my worldly possessions / succumbing by only dusting half of my room and laying in a pile of stuffed animals...

...And I repeat this process at least once a month, lol. I've down-sized my collections by a lot (looking at photos of my room from 4-5 years ago and seeing all the clutter actually makes me panic now, ha), but I could definitely get rid of more stuff. Someday, I hope I manage to get my allergies under control so that they don't make me so sick, and learn how to be be a really tidy person !

4 / 11 / 2020 -

Getting anything done is like wading through a pool of sludge. Just lethargic in general. Tried to take a nap, but I started getting vertigo for the first time in years. It was weird. My body temp has been higher than normal - not high enough to be a fever, but high enough to be uncomfortable.

My chicken snuck under the porch and got into something dead...?! Mom had to prod her out with a rake because she refused to come out - and it smelled like rot. She stunk like death for awhile, probably ate at the corpse of whatever died under there. I tried to shine my phone flashlight under there but I just couldn't see anything, and the smell was so bad...I truly hope it's not the little rabbit that was living in the garden this past summer. It had a little white diamond on its forehead, and would hang around and eat clovers with the chickens all day. I caught it jumping and binking around the yard once and it was so pure.

Our cherry tree is about to bloom ! It's so so pink~ I can't wait until the blossoms open - I'm going to try to press some of the petals. I got really good at preserving and drying flowers this past year! I have a whole jar of rose petals from this past summer that I'm still not totally sure what to do with, lol.

I've been making yarn balls and watching Vinesauce. I really want to try to make a kind of...net? hammock? for my stuffed animals. I've seen photos of these sorts of plushie displays online, and I used to crochet, so I have a lot of old yarn. I don't know if it'll be strong enough, but it would be a good way to recycle my old yarn stash.

Just realized that I'm listed in the Neocities Districts ! Whoa! That's pretty rad. Apparently my site is in Purgatory... I legit laughed out loud when I found it. Thanks to whoever listed me on there, it was a nice surprise! :')

4 / 10 / 2020 -

I've been in a bit of a funk. Not really due to the coronavirus lockdown, just...in general. Guess I've just been cranky? This past year I was diagnosed with PMDD, which is...rough to deal with. Have to accept that half of the month I'm moody and just generally feeling "off" for no discernable reason. Guhh... But! It's nice to have a name for my weird brain behaviors, at least.

It feels a bit excessive to be writing another entry so soon after my last one, but...as much as I'm trying to keep busy, the quarantine is slowly rotting my brain. I was basically a neet to begin with, so I went into this thinking it'd be no big deal, but... somehow, it's really hard to stay positive and productive when the whole world is going through the same crisis. I've weaned myself off of the constant news, for the most part: so now I'm just finding ways to fill my time until I can see...somebody again.

I did check on my grandfather last night. I realize that sounds bad, but he's gotten really feeble since the loss of my grandmother, and doesn't really have anyone else to check up on him. I'm one of the more able-bodied people (and one of the only few properly following the ~*social distancing*~ rules) around to help him. It was the first time I drove my car somewhere in...a month, maybe? It was so beautiful to see the huge magnolia tree in his yard starting to bloom.

I'd love to see friends soon, but that doesn't seem wise just yet. Everyone I speak with - in person, over the phone, through text - we all just want things to "be normal" again, but everytime we say that, there's an awkward silence, and we admit that we don't know when "normal" will come again...

Mom and I planted some indoor seeds this morning. Sunflowers and peas. Mom admitted that the seeds were so old that they might not sprout, but I thought it was worth a shot to still try...? My goal for this summer was to learn how to grow something. My mom is a beast of a gardener, and as I've gotten older I've realized that I don't know anything at all about growing plants. All of my potted plants I attempted to have throughout college got killed immediately, lol. But I'm determined to successfully grow something, now! It's a skill I want to try to learn while my mom is still around.

I've been hard at work on re-doing a bunch of pages for this site! It feels more productive than playing Animal Crossing for hours on end, lol. Right now I'm focusing on a brand new links page, and I'm really excited with how it's looking so far~ It still has a ways to go, though...I might get impatient and post a work-in-progress version of it soon, idk.

I gotta go shower. And I really want to download some old Youtube videos later for my digital archive I've been building. (That's going to be a whole new page on my site eventually!) Maybe I'll finish picking up my room so I can finally vacuum, but I'll most likely procrastinate on that, lol. What a riveting life I lead...

4 / 7 / 2020 -

Man, I've been re-reading the kind messages people have sent me over the years in my guestbook, and I almost cried...seriously, people on here are so nice to me~!! ;O; I feel bad I haven't been very active on here since the creation of my site...I have a lot of messages to return! Slowly, I'm starting to go through all of my notifications and responding to people. If anyone is out there reading this, just wanna say thank you, really, for coming by and enjoying my site! I feel like I don't express it enough, but I really am grateful for this little space - to be able to openly share my thoughts and experiences, and possibly even create a space to bring joy to others in a small way...it's a blessing.

These days I'm losing my sense of time. I barely know what day it is. The only thing that's really keeping me on track is Animal Crossing New Horizons...I'm really lucky to be able to play it: a friend who lives down the street sold me her old switch as the pandemic stuff really started to pick up steam, and our state went into "lockdown" - It was a really implusive buy (something I felt irresponsible doing at the time), but I'm realizing that it was worth every penny, because it's keeping me sane throughout all of this isolation, lol. It's my first time actually participating in the Bunny Day event - I think I've got about half the craftable items so far...? And my house is finally starting to look so cute! I finally managed to move it to my preferred corner on my island! I have a beautiful garden full of hyacinth and lilies, peach trees, an old-fashioned wood furnace, and a bunch of hay bales around a bonfire...all overlooking a rocky ocean vista that I can stand on and stare at the sunset~ Maybe I'll share pics of it sometime!

I finally got up the courage to get my meds at the pharmacy yesterday. I had been putting it off for awhile...got to the very bottom of the bottle of my sleeping pills (which is very weird! for me! I get withdrawals so I have to be careful about refills!) I suited up with gloves and a mask and went out for the first time in, maybe, 2 weeks...? The pharmacy I go to is a mom-and-pop sort of place, so it's never really busy to begin with, but...I was the only one in the store. I guess I should be grateful? All of the staff there are little old ladies - they were as friendly as ever and very nice to me, but they were all wearing their masks and gloves. "Don't worry honey," the one filling my scripts said to me, "Better days are coming!"

I was moved by their optimisim. I truly hope, for everyone, that better days are coming.

4 / 5 / 2020 -

Finally, my new diary layout is complete! I hope I'll use it more often now. I was never very satisfied with my last layout - I made it really quickly without a lot of thought. Now I'm going for something more simple and relaxing to look at (though it feels a little fresh to call my image-heavy, gif-heavy site "relaxing...") I'm really inspired by Neocities diarist Turd! Their aesthetic and way of writing is both cozy and refreshing~ I hope my diary is able to have the same sort of vibe! Please give them a visit~

Hummm...I'm trying to think about how much my life has changed since I last blogged on here. I've drifted in-and-out of employment over the last year - I've just kind of accepted that my life and health has been so crazy that I should just give up on holding down a steady job right now. My grandmother who was very sick with alzheimer's passed away this past September. Her painful battle with her body and her mind lasted so long, about a decade. It was the first major death I experienced in my life, and the most grief I've ever had to process.

With all of that being said, I'm okay these days, for the most part! I've gotten so much better at dealing with my agoraphobic tendencies - I'm able to run basic errands by myself now, and have even traveled to visit my family who live ~2 hours away by the ocean on my own! (Just saying this is really embarrassing, but it's true...I absolutely hate being in public, but I've gotten a lot better at it...) I think my insomnia situation has even improved a bit: I still have bad nights, but I don't blow through my anxiety medication like I used to attempting to find relief.

Of course, it feels like all of this progress I've made is going down the drain thanks to the world's pandemic...I won't get too much into any coronavirus-angst here just yet, because I'd like my first entry back to be fairly positive, lol. But damn...we're living in weird times.

But!! I'm inspired to live more impulsively - I've gotten a little better at "loosening up" and not being so uptight over everything, to not be such a perfectionist, but...when it comes to certain things, I'm still held back by my high expectations. Even here on my site, lol...I wasn't sure I should even post this diary yet, considering I have so many unfinished/broken pages, but...I have this nagging feeling that if I don't take at least a tiny step forward, I won't get anywhere at all.

So...here I am!